


Aversion

by Cherry



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 1970s, AU, Angst, Aversion Therapy, Homophobia, M/M, Surgeon!Erwin, but the world improves, eruri - Freeform, sex worker!Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:11:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry/pseuds/Cherry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To the outside world Erwin Smith is a happily married and successful surgeon. No one knows about his weekly visits to a motel room where he meets Levi Ackerman for sex. When Erwin's colleague, Daruis Zackley, offers him a 'cure' for his attraction to men, Erwin decides that it's the right thing to do. </p><p>Based on a scenario in the TV series 'Masters of Sex'. Set in the 1970s. Mentions of homophobia, and aversion therapy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 'Normal'

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on a scenario in the TV show 'Masters of Sex', dealing with a married doctor trying to 'cure' his homosexuality. It contains some details of so-called therapies that were practised at the time, and contains some internalized homophobia, as well as homophobia in the wider world. Angst, but also hope, and looking to a better future.

“Would you mind if I took some photographs?”

Levi sat up in bed, reaching automatically for a cigarette, trying not to let Erwin see how deeply that request touched him. He inhaled smoke slowly, and made himself shoot Erwin a cynical smile with a suggestive lift of his eyebrows. “You want something to jack off to when I’m not around?”

Erwin looked towards the window, where the late afternoon sun was doing its utmost to penetrate the tightly closed blinds, a few dazzling beams hitting the anonymous motel desk and chair like death-rays in a Sci-fi movie. “I’d like some pictures of you, that’s all.”

“What – like, naked, or just pictures?”

“Nothing that could be incriminating. Just pictures.”

Levi ran his free hand through his hair, aiming for bored nonchalance. “Sure. Why not?”

Erwin smiled, and Levi half wished that flash of perfect white teeth still only got him in the groin like it used to – safely sexual, nothing more.

“Good then. I’ll bring a camera, next time. We’ll meet in that park where we met the first time. No one I know is likely to go there.”

“Al fresco?” Levi asked, startled. “Isn’t that –”

“Not for sex! Christ, Levi! Just for the pictures.”

“So, here again next week?”

“No, I told you – in the park. Same time – but by the bandstand.”

“What, so you don’t wanna fuck next time?”

Erwin frowned, turning to get out of bed. “It’s not always about… Don’t worry – I’ll pay you the same.”

“That’s not –”

“What?”

“Nothing.” Levi crushed out the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand. “No, nothing. That’s fine. Same time, then?”

“Yes. By the bandstand.”

“Okay.”

When Erwin emerged from the shower, Levi watched him as he dressed- something he considered a perk of the job. It was a different suit this time – pale blue, with a wider tie.

“That suits you.”

“Thanks. Marie chose it.”

“She has good taste, that woman.”

Erwin chose to ignore the implied compliment. “I have a meeting with the surgical team in half an hour. I’ll see you next week, Levi.”

“No goodbye kiss?”

Erwin gave him a strange, sharp look, but he leaned over the bed and kissed Levi anyway, too hard for a goodbye, almost brutal. When he’d gone Levi touched his fingers to his lips, frowning.

*

Levi waited in the shadow of the bandstand, watching people in the park: joggers pausing on the new fitness trail to bend and stretch, mothers pushing prams, a young couple, hand in hand, the girl pretty in eye-catching yellow dungarees, the boy youthfully handsome. For a moment Levi let himself imagine a world where he could hold Erwin’s hand on a stroll through the park without the risk of stares or taunts or violence. The boy leaned down to kiss the girl and a passing man tutted loudly. Levi rolled his eyes - some people were determined to see sin in anything. He wondered if it made them happier, judging the world so harshly.

“Sorry I’m late.” Erwin was casually dressed in a cream shirt, a light brown sweater and darker slacks. An expensive looking black and silver Pentax camera was slung over one shoulder.

“S’okay.” Levi smiled at him, but Erwin seemed even more tense than usual.

“We should take a few here, then move on. We don’t want people asking questions.”

“No – okay. Where do you want me?” Levi couldn’t help making the question just a touch provocative, but Erwin frowned. “Cut that out.”

Levi stuck his hands in his pockets. “Hey - relax, man! You’re the one who’s gonna attract attention if you act so uptight.”

Erwin sighed. “Yes, you’re right. Sorry. Okay – why don’t you lean against the bandstand like – Yes, like that.”

Levi laughed. “You need to take the lens cap off if you want a picture though.”

“Oh – yes… Just a minute…” Erwin took five pictures by the bandstand: one of Levi smiling and leaning on the railings; one looking ‘mean and moody’ as Levi put it; one turned away, in profile, staring into space, and two ‘doing a James Dean’ with a cigarette between his lips. Levi stripped off his sweater for the second one, hoping that Erwin would like the way he looked in the tight black t-shirt he wore underneath it. Erwin made no comment, but it seemed to take him longer to focus the second time. “Right, good. Now by the lake, perhaps…”

After about half an hour they stopped for a while, sitting on a bench by a willow tree. Across the lake two small children and their grandfather were feeding the ducks.

“This is nice,” Levi said, closing his eyes, enjoying the sunshine.

“Yes.”

“You must be almost out of film.”

“I think there are three shots left.”

Levi opened his eyes, biting his lip, hesitating. “…I don’t have a picture of you. Maybe I could take –”

“You know that’s impossible.”

Levi’s good mood vanished. “Five years, and you still don’t trust me.”

“It’s not that.”

“It _is_ that. You’re worried about blackmail.”

“No! No, not by you. But if anyone saw it – wondered why you had a picture of me…”

“What are the chances of anyone I know recognizing you?”

“Small. Very small. But I won’t take unnecessary risks - not with my reputation. My marriage and my career are at stake. I didn’t think we’d need to have this conversation, Levi. I came you in the first place because you assured me you were discreet.”

“Yeah, and I am – you know I am. But I… I know you now. You know me. I -”

“You know why not.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay… Why do you want so many of me, anyway?”

“I don’t know which ones will come out well until I develop them, do I?” Erwin asked, which was no kind of answer at all.

Back at the bandstand, Erwin used up the rest of the film on shots of Levi in profile, looking out across the park. When he’d finished, he stood still for a moment, looking down at the camera in his hands. “That’s that, then.”

“Yeah. You… You’re not gonna show these to anyone, are you?” Levi asked, wondering why that possibility hadn’t occurred to him before.

“I’ll keep them completely confidential,” Erwin assured him.

“Okay.”

“I’d better get going. I have a meeting at three.”

“You have a lot of meetings.”

“I do. Much more surgery, though.” He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, and handed Levi an envelope. “Here – for today.”

“It’s okay. I don’t want it. Today wasn’t –”

“I insist. For your time.”

“What if I wanted to spend the time with you? I don’t need paying for today. Keep it for next week.”

Erwin gave him a searching look. “I’m grateful, Levi, but I’d rather you took it now. We’ll call it next week’s payment in advance, if you really don’t want paying for today.”

Levi took the envelope. “Okay, thanks. Can’t deny it’ll be useful this week. Rent’s due… So, usual next week?”

“Yes. Yes, next week. Goodbye, Levi. Thank you.”

Levi watched him walking away across the park, feeling uneasy for no reason he could name.

When he got back to his tiny rented apartment and opened the envelope, he found it contained three times the usual amount. A week later he waited for two hours in their usual motel room, but Erwin didn’t show up. Levi surprised himself by his reaction to that – the sudden aching at the back of his eyeballs that had him cursing quietly, forcing hurt into anger. He hadn’t cried since he was fourteen years old; he was damned if he was going to start now, over a screwed-up bastard like Erwin Smith.

 

When Erwin failed to turn up at the motel again the following week, Levi knew it was over. It wasn’t the first time he’d lost a client unexpectedly, but it was the first time he’d minded. Short of getting taken into hospital as the result of a nasty accident, Levi couldn’t see any likelihood of ever seeing Erwin again. It wasn’t as if they lived in the same part of town, or moved in the same social circles. So it was an unpleasant shock, three months later, when he found himself accosted in a bar by a grey-haired, bearded man in his fifties or sixties, who laid a heavy, unwelcome hand on his shoulder and said, “Levi, isn’t it? I wondered if I’d run into you here.”

“Who the hell are you?” Levi demanded, shoving the hand aside.

“That’s not very friendly. And Erwin said you were ‘charming’! I’m Darius Zackley. I’m a colleague of Erwin’s. Friend and colleague. I recognized you straight away from the pictures.”

“Bullshit!” Levi’s reaction was automatic, but as soon as the word was out of his mouth he realized that this Zackley had to be telling the truth. For one horrible moment Levi thought he was going to be sick. He forced himself to breathe, thinking desperately, trying to work out exactly what kind of trouble he was in. Whatever else, it wouldn’t do to antagonize the old creep before he knew what he was dealing with, so he forced himself into calm, and gave Zackley the most unconcerned look he could manage. “I mean, obviously I do _believe_ you’ve seen the pictures, but I’m surprised, though. Why would Erwin show them to you?”

“Ah, well, in this context Erwin is a patient of mine, rather than a colleague. I’m seeing him in a professional capacity.”

Levi’s mind raced with panicked thoughts – Erwin hadn’t come back because he’d been in an accident – he’d hit his head – was saying things he shouldn’t in a delirious state. This man had found the camera – had the film developed…

“What’s happened to him? Is he okay?”

“Oh, yes. Don’t be concerned – for his safety, or yours. I’m a psychiatrist, treating him for his condition. I’m the one who suggested that he should take the pictures of you. It’s all a vital part of his therapy.”

“Therapy? He seemed sane enough to me.”

“Don’t be coy, Levi. You know what he is. Why else would he associate with someone like you?”

Levi lit a cigarette to give himself time to think. “So why are you here? If you’re a shrink, shouldn’t all this shit be confidential?”

“Normally, yes. But you’re an important part of his problem, and of its solution. I’d like to discuss this with you properly. Obviously there are things I can’t say openly here.”

“I’m working.”

“I’ll pay for your time.”

Levi met the old man’s eyes, and saw, with not much surprise, the glitter of suppressed lust; the secret little thrill saying those words had given him.

“I don’t want your money. I’ll listen though.”

“All right. Outside, then…” Zackley led the way out into the street with the slow, rolling gait of a well-fed and confident man, but Levi thought there was just a bit too much swagger in it to ring true.

“We’ll have to go somewhere. No one here’ll look at us without guessing old queer and rent,” Levi said quietly. Zackley gave him a shrewd look, apparently unfazed. “Where do you suggest?”

“I know a hotel. You might not want to be seen there, though. You’ll have to pay for the room.”

“I’ll take the risk of being seen. My profession gives me a certain amount of immunity. Lead on, Macduff!”

“What?”

“Show me the way.”

“Right.”

 

Levi favored the little run-down hotel on 16th because for all its ramshackle appearance it was surprisingly clean. Zackley followed Levi into a room on the fourth floor. Levi made a point of sitting on the desk chair rather than on the bed. He leaned back, left ankle resting on his right thigh, and lit another cigarette without comment.

“There are a lot of studies now that show smoking is very bad for you,” Zackley gasped, lowering his bulk onto the bed, still puffing from the short walk from the elevator to the room.

“Yeah well. Gotta die of something,” Levi said, hating the echo of his long-gone Uncle Kenny, and despising himself for not being able to quit what he actually agreed was a disgusting habit.

“I’m surprised Erwin didn’t object.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed, partly in anger, partly in pain at Zackley’s use of the past tense. “Maybe he likes it _because_ it’s bad. Maybe that’s why he likes _me_. Whadda ya think, Shrink? Am I in the wrong job?”

This time Zackley was more obvious in his interest, looking Levi over in a way that gave him the shivers. “No – I’d say you’re in exactly the right job...” He licked his lips, probably unconsciously, and Levi had to look away, exhaling a smokescreen. “Yeah, whatever. But we’re here to talk about Erwin.”

“Yes… Yes. Well – I’ve always had an interest in the field of human sexuality,” Zackley explained, with a smile that was close to a leer. “About a year ago I happened to hear a couple of emergency room doctors discussing an attempted suicide – a young man who was ‘clearly a homosexual’, according to their account, who had jumped off a bridge. Erwin patched him up – complex surgery on his legs and spine. I talked to Erwin about the case – explained that I was running a rehabilitation programme – offered the kid a place. But it was Erwin’s interest in my methods that surprised me. I guessed, after that. Debated whether to say anything, but in the end… I couldn’t stand to see a man as talented as Erwin – _beautiful_ wife… You’ve met his wife, Marie? No? No, I suppose not… Well, I couldn’t stand to see him risk throwing it all away because of a… what shall I call it? A flaw? Some trauma in his childhood that knocked him out of true? How could I stand by and let him ruin his life, when I was in possession of a cure?”

“A _cure_?” The strength of his emotional response to what Zackley seemed to be suggesting took Levi entirely by surprise. He was pulled violently in two opposing directions, his automatic, instinctive outrage - it’s not a fucking _disease!_ countered by an insidious feeling of hope - _I could be normal?_

“Yes. I understand, of course, that the very possibility must be problematic for you. If a cure succeeds, you’ll be unemployed, after all -”

“No – that’s not –”

“But you must see what this represents for Erwin? A successful, professional man, doing nothing but good through his work, with a lovely wife – the hope of children one day… It’s what he wants – what he desperately wants.”

“It… Is it? Is that what he told you?”

“Yes. It’s a simple enough dream, isn’t it, normality? He just wants to be like everyone else, Levi. But you tempted him away from that, and –”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! He came looking. I never –”

“Oh, I’m not blaming you. You’re as much a victim of your past as he is. People can’t help their deviancy. But they can be cured of it, and that’s what Erwin is doing now, with my help. He’s doing well so far, but he feels guilty about you – about his part in adding to your moral degradation. His concern for you has become a stumbling block, and so I promised him I’d try to find you – to offer you the same treatment he’s getting.”

Levi shook his head. “I don’t have insurance. And anyway –”

“Entirely free of charge. You’d be supporting my work, and helping Erwin’s recovery.”

Levi considered, initially torn. He wanted to help Erwin. If there was a possibility of being normal… He thought, suddenly, of the boy and the girl he’d seen in the park on that last afternoon with Erwin, and tried to imagine himself like that – some pretty girl by his side, no one doing worse than tutting mildly at a public show of normal affection… and he knew, immediately, that the whole, attractive picture would be a hollow lie. He’d had plenty of female friends in his life, and had never, once, been sexually interested in any of them. He wanted Erwin. He’d never felt as close to anyone as he did to Erwin. There had been a time when he’d hoped…

“I can’t help you,” he said at last, putting out the cigarette, feeling suddenly very tired and desperately sad. “I’m sorry. I would help Erwin, if I could. I hope he finds what he’s looking for. But I… Call it deviant, if you want. I guess I’ve never been normal, and I never will be. Maybe it’s a sin, not to want to change it, but I don’t. I can’t. I can’t believe anything _could_ change it, even if I wanted… And I don’t.”

Daruis shook his head, his eyes bright with a fervent confidence in what he was offering. “ _Think_ , Levi. Don’t decide yet. Modern scientific techniques offer amazing progress – we put men on the moon last year for goodness’ sake! The world is changing! You don’t know the difference my method could make to your life! _Of_ _course_ you feel that you can’t change – that you don’t want to change. But that’s because, at some point in your early life, something went wrong in your psyche. You won’t even be able to _desire_ healthy change unless you can accept that. People like you –”

“Us,” Levi corrected.

“What?”

“People like _us_.”

“What do you mean?”

Levi stared at Zackley, incredulous. “You’re kidding, right? The way you look at me - checking me out – staring like you’re trying to make out how big my dick is –”

Although he went very red, there was no bluster in Daruis’s careful reply. He sighed deeply – _almost_ convincingly. “Oh dear, Levi, this is a classic diversion tactic. I’m afraid projecting your immorality onto me won’t change the facts.”

Levi understood at once that there was no point in arguing, but he’d seen the look Zackley had been giving him too many times, from too many men, to be in any doubt about its meaning. Waving his hand impatiently, he changed the subject. “Okay, okay – let’s say I’m projecting, or whatever. I wanna know what you’re doing with Erwin. How does it work, anyway, this _cure_? What does he have to do? Why’d he want those pictures of me?”

 

Five minutes later Levi was doubled up in an alleyway that ran alongside the hotel, throwing up by the trashcans, the clenched fist that supported him against the wall still red and stinging from its abrupt contact with Zackley’s jaw.

*

Erwin crossed the parking lot lost in his thoughts, guilty about not feeling happier. He reminded himself to buy Marie flowers on the way home – those pink and white lilies she liked. He opened the car door, got in, and was putting the keys into the ignition when he gave a violent start at the realization that there was someone sitting in the passenger seat.

“Christ – Levi! You can’t be here! What are you –”

“Drive me somewhere else then. I’m not getting out.”

Several blocks from the hospital, Erwin pulled off the main road into a quiet residential street. He parked in the shade of some big lime trees at the side of an empty house with a _For Sale_ sign out front.

“What do you want, Levi?”

“Don’t worry. I just want my pictures back.”

“What?”

“I saw Zackley. Didn’t he say?”

“No, he didn’t mention it.” Erwin attempted a smile. “I’m glad he found you though. He told you – about what I’m –”

“Yeah.”

“And? Are you going to start –”

“Fuck no! There’s no way in hell! When he told me what he was doing to you, I –” He stopped talking, tasting bile in the back of his throat, wanting to gag.

“Levi?”

“I can’t - It’s fucking disgusting. I just want my pictures back. And the negatives.”

“But they’re helping me.”

“Yeah – he told me how they’re _helping_!”

“Look, Levi, I understand how it must sound. But it’s necessary. It’s unpleasant, yes, but that’s the point. That’s why it’s called aversion therapy – I’m learning to recondition my sexual responses.”

“You’re – you’re jacking off over pictures of naked women, and then - looking at pictures of me while they give you a drug to make you throw up!”

“Yes. But it’s not about you as a person – those pictures are just images of what I used to be sexually attracted to. They’re mixed in with more – more erotic images of strangers, but Darius thought, since I seem to have become fixated on you –”

“ _Fixated?_ Because you like me, you mean? Because you want me, and you like it when we fuck?”

Erwin looked around guiltily, even though there was no one on the quiet street. “For Christ’s sake keep it down, Levi!”

“When you took those pictures, I thought… I thought maybe you just wanted pictures, you know? Like in a normal relationship.”

“What _relationship_? I was paying you for sex. That’s not –”

“Every week for nearly five years? And we didn’t even always fuck. Sometimes you wanted to talk about stuff. I thought –”

“Yes, well I wasn’t paying you to think.”

Levi’s in-drawn breath was audible. Erwin’s jaw clenched. “You knew I was married. You knew that. I’ll give the pictures back to you if you insist, but, Levi, I’m doing well. I’m – I think I’m starting to respond more positively to the female images. When we move on to the next stage I really think –”

“What’s the next stage? The one he told me about, when you let him put electrodes on your dick?”

Erwin didn’t reply.

“I love you,” Levi said.

Erwin stared at him, colour rising in his cheeks. “Levi…”

“I _know_ , okay? I know you love your wife, even if you do have to think about me every time you try and get it up for her. You love the idea of that life, where you’re normal, and you live in your big house with your wife and kids, and everything’s so… so fucking _nice_. But it’s not _real_. I get what you’re trying to do, but it’s bullshit. I get that it’s _a_ version, but it’s not _the_ version – not the real one.”

In spite of everything, Erwin smiled. “Oh – no, no Levi – that’s not what aversion means.”

“What?”

“No – it means making you averse to something – putting you off it, turning you against... So although I know it sounds awful – and it’s – it’s not nice…” Despite his best efforts Erwin couldn’t prevent a shudder. Levi saw it. He gripped the sides of the seat, his knuckles white. “It’s fucking _torture_ is what it is! It’s wrong. Please stop it, Erwin!”

“I can’t. I’m committed to trying. And anyway, even if I did want – It’s too late. Marie’s pregnant.”

Levi turned his head away.

“Levi – I’m sorry. I’m aware that I haven’t been honest with you. I’d begun to suspect that you had developed feelings –”

“ _Developed feelings_? Fuck you, Erwin. You’re lying to yourself, and that pervert Zackley’s helping you do it. I’m sorry you’ve screwed up your life, and Marie’s, and I pity that poor kid, when it comes - but fuck you. I want all the pictures back. I don’t know if what we are is wrong – I’ve never known that - but I sure as hell know what Zackely’s doing to you is sick. I love you, and that’s not wrong, is it? I’m not gonna cause any trouble – don’t worry - you won’t find me sending letters to Marie, or asking you for money – but I won’t say I’m sorry for loving you, because _that’s not wrong_.”

“But it _is_ wrong,” Erwin said sadly, looking at his hands, still gripping the steering wheel. “Nearly all the experts agree that it’s a psychiatric disorder. If we had any other kind of disease –”

“It’s not a disease.”

“It is. And it can be cured.”

“I don’t believe that. I don’t think you believe it, either – not really. You’re kidding yourself. I thought – before this – I thought you were – huh – ‘developing feelings’ for me, too…”

Erwin made an ugly, strangled sound. Levi looked at him. “Erwin?”

“I’m doing well! I’m going to be a father, and I’m going to make myself love my wife properly! Whatever I feel – felt – for you, I’m changing it into what it _ought_ to be – disgust. That’s the whole point of putting myself through all this, and if you had any kind of moral courage, you’d do it too.”

Levi shook his head. “You want to hate me.”

“No! No – but I want to be disgusted by the thought of… of what we’ve done.”

“So… you want to hate yourself, then. You’re punishing yourself for being what you are. And Zackley –”

“Zackley is helping me.”

“Zackley’s punishing you for being what he can’t admit _he_ is. When he came to see me, he couldn’t keep his eyes off my crotch. If you have to try to do this, can’t you do it some other way – something less – less _sick_?”

Erwin shook his head violently. “You’re wrong about Zackley – I know his wife –I’ve met his children. And it has to be this way – I’ve researched this. Conditioning works in animals – rats given electric shocks can modify their behavior, so –”

“You’re not a fucking rat, Erwin! And Zackley’s met _your_ wife, too, hasn’t he? That don’t mean shit, and you know it. I know how he looked at me. Please stop this.”

“I can’t!” Erwin cried. “I need it! Marie deserves a proper husband. My child deserves a proper father!”

“But it won’t be real!”

“It will! I’ll _make_ it real!”

Levi fell silent. Erwin looked at him, out of words. At last, Levi’s shoulders slumped, and he exhaled heavily. “Okay. It’s your life – your choice. And I get that it’s harder for you, with Marie and everything. But, God, Erwin… I don’t know anything about headshrinkers and all that, but I do know when something feels fucking _wrong_. I _hate_ the thought of you doing that sick shit using pictures of me. But if it’s what you think you need…”

“Thank you, Levi.”

“Don’t thank me. I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. I could kill that bastard Zackley.”

Erwin almost managed a smile. “Don’t do that.”

“Huh. No. Anyway, that guy already hates himself as much as he hates us.”

“Levi… If things had been different… If you were a woman –”

“Man, if I was a woman, you wouldn’t want me! That’s kinda the whole fucking _point_ , isn’t it?”

Erwin leaned his head on his hands, unable or unwilling to reply. He heard the car door being wrenched open and slamming shut. He didn’t let himself look up until he was certain that Levi would be out of sight.


	2. As things are

Levi didn’t often read the newspapers, but Hange did. They were sitting by the window eating pancakes as a late breakfast, enjoying the morning sunshine.

“I told you the protests would be successful in the end!” Hange exclaimed. “The APA has finally voted to remove homosexuality from the list of psychiatric disorders.”

Levi swallowed the last of his pancake and put down his fork. “Really?”

“Yes. It’s a major step forward.”

“Yeah… Nice to know we’re not crazy after all.”

Hange grinned at Levi’s sarcasm. “I know you never believed it in the first place. But you’d be surprised how many people did – still do.”

Levi’s mouth hardened. “No. No, I wouldn’t.”

“Ah. You’re thinking about your mystery doctor again. I wonder whether this will change his views at all?” Hange said, watching Levi carefully.

“I don’t know. Haven’t seen him for nearly three years. But if his so-called therapy worked for him then I guess he’s happily straight now, so it won’t bother him, will it?”

“But you don’t believe that.”

“No. I think if he’s living that life, then every day he’s lying to himself and his wife and kid. _Kids_ , now, maybe... But he was… committed to his lie. Can’t see him changing his mind, just because a bunch of shrinks got together to tell us what most of us already knew. _He_ knows it, really. I wish – I can’t help wishing -”

Hange’s eyes widened. “Oh my God, Levi – you still –”

“Don’t.”

With a little sigh, Hange laid a gentle hand on Levi’s shoulder. “Okay. But perhaps you should consider trying to find him again. You’ve never stopped thinking about him, have you? You haven’t found anyone else –”

“There was Farlan…”

“Who was on the point of moving to Australia when you met him! You knew that was a summer thing – quick and contained… Safe.”

“Maybe. But so what? I don’t need anyone else. I’m doing okay now – since I quit all that… I like living here. You and Moblit are all right. The rent’s not bad. Work’s not exactly rocket science, but it’s fine. I’m _good_ at cleaning, and early mornings no one’s around to ask questions.”

“Actually, I was going to ask you about work. Only, you do such a thorough job of the cleaning, and we need a new lab technician – if you’re interested.”

“Yeah? But I don’t have any qualifications.”

“You can learn on the job. I’ll vouch for your thoroughness and willingness to learn. It’s more than you make now, and you might enjoy the change.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Levi.” Hange smiled at him. He did his best to smile back, touched and grateful, pushing thoughts of Erwin Smith to the back of his mind. But Hange had never been able to let things go. “…You should go see your doctor. I’m serious. You need some kind of definite end to all this. If he’s still living his fantasy life, you’ll know that for sure, and you can start to move on. If he’s not… who knows? What have you got to lose?”

Levi shook his head firmly. “Not me. Him. His wife and kid. _They_ have a lot to lose, so I… I can’t. He tried to deny it, but he – him and me - there was _something_. By the end, there was something. I’d been with a lot of men by the time I started seeing him. I know I wasn’t imagining things – making up what I wanted to be true. If I show up again when he’s got his life how he wants it… I couldn’t do that to him. It would be as bad as what that shrink put him through!”

“But if you think he cared about you –”

“He did care. He wanted me to be happy, like he thought he was gonna be. Wanted me to have the ‘therapy’ too.”

“Thank God you refused! I’ve seen too many people so damaged by so-called ‘cures’ that they’ve needed years of genuine therapy to get over what they endured. But I’m not suggesting you confront him. All you have to do is see him – find out if he seems happy. He doesn’t have to see you.”

“I don’t even know his address!”

Hange’s smile was positively devious this time. “That’s okay. I know quite a few people who work at the hospital. If you tell me his name, I’m sure I can find out where he lives.”

Levi hesitated. As he’d come to know and respect Hange, he’d admitted to most of his past, including the sex work and most of the details of his time with Erwin, but he’d always kept everything anonymous.

“I know I don’t stop talking most of the time, but I’m a professional,” Hange assured him. “You can trust me with his name.”

Levi’s longing to know what had become of the one man he’d ever felt he really loved got the better of him. “It’s Erwin,” he said quietly, not quite meeting Hange’s inquisitive gaze. “Erwin Smith.”

*

 

22 Magnolia Street was exactly what Levi had always pictured Erwin’s home to be – undeniably, relentlessly _nice_. It was on a nice quiet street in a nice neighborhood. It was big enough to reflect Erwin’s success as a surgeon without being too showy, and was surrounded by neatly kept lawns with a spectacularly flowering magnolia tree out front, and a double garage to the side. Levi parked Hange’s car on the opposite side of the street and prepared himself for a long wait, hoping that his dark glasses would be enough of a disguise, and that none of the neighbors would get suspicious of a shabby car parked in such an affluent neighborhood.

The afternoon light lengthened. The shadow of the magnolia tree stretched across the lawn, and no one came or went. Levi was surprised that there had been no sign of Marie. The rest of the street seemed full of housewives with small children – at least two dozen women had passed the car during the afternoon, singly or in small groups, many pushing prams, or with toddlers in tow. Erwin’s kid would be nearly three by now. Levi wondered if it looked like its father.

His bladder was beyond uncomfortable, and the house was still silent as the sky darkened, so Levi decided to risk finding a bush to relieve himself behind. He checked that the street was deserted, got out of the car, and walked up the path to Erwin’s front door as though he had legitimate business there, before veering off to the side and round to the back yard, which was well-planted, with plenty of suitable shrubs far away from the house and hidden in shadow.

Sighing with the relief of a newly empty bladder, Levi was about to return to the car when a light went on inside the house, the floor-to-ceiling windows letting brightness flood the yard. Erwin’s living room was lit up like a movie screen, and Levi could only watch, frozen in place, as Erwin walked across the deep-pile white carpet loosening his tie as he went, poured himself a very large bourbon from a decanter on a side table, and flung himself into an armchair.

Levi took in Erwin’s weary posture and the hopeless expression on his face, together with the emptiness of the room – the lack of photographs or flowers, or any sign of a child, and took an automatic step forward. He stopped himself, though, before he did anything stupidly impulsive. Marie might be away, visiting her parents or something. Perhaps she and Erwin liked a minimalist look, and kept the kid’s stuff out of the living room? Erwin could have had a bad day – lost a patient – anything.

Only… he looked so damn _done_. Levi’s heart ached for him. And the way he was knocking back that whiskey…

“ _Erwin_ ,” Levi murmured under his breath. “God, Erwin – what the hell happened to you?”

As if he could hear Levi’s words, Erwin turned his head and looked out into the night. Levi froze, but it was obvious from Erwin’s glazed expression that he was staring into space rather than at anything in particular. The room would be too bright for him to be able to make out much in the dark yard. Erwin scrubbed a hand across his face and downed the rest of the bourbon in one go. His face twisted in fury or grief, and he flung the glass at the wall. Levi heard it shatter, but he was already moving.

He rang the bell, not really expecting Erwin to answer, but it only took a minute before he appeared, tie tightened, his face composed, a polite greeting on his lips as he opened the door: “Yes – can I –”

“Hello, Erwin.”

“Levi! ... Levi – you can’t… I’m… Marie - Marie will be –”

“Marie’s not here anymore, is she? Can I come in?”

Erwin stood back to let Levi into the house, leaving it to him to shut the door.

“What happened?” Levi asked.

“She found out about the therapy. She’d already guessed something wasn’t right. She didn’t tell me she knew – not right away. But when the baby was born, it had brown eyes. That doesn’t necessarily mean… genetics isn’t as straightforward as people think – but, honestly, I’d been suspicious from the start because the timing…” He laughed, harshly. “You once said I had to think of you to get it up for her, and I hated you saying that because you were right - but even then… It didn’t often work. Turns out that Nile – top urologist at the hospital – my friend… he didn’t have any trouble in that department.”

“They’re together now?”

“Yes. Married as soon as the divorce was finalized.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you?” Erwin shook his head. “You should be pleased. You were right about everything. That quack Zackley was exposed by a blackmailer he couldn’t afford to pay off – specialist brothels – not only men, but all kinds of kinky stuff as well. And the so-called ‘therapy’? Didn’t change a damn thing.”

“No,” Levi said quietly. “No, I didn’t think –”

“So congratulations! You must be very happy.”

Levi blinked. “No… I’m not happy. I don’t think I’ve really been happy since that day in the park when I thought you wanted the pictures because – When I thought you just wanted some pictures.”

Erwin looked away. “What do you want, Levi? What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you – that’s all. I wasn’t going to let you know I was here. I just wanted to see if you’d… If everything had worked out how you wanted it. But then I saw you – with the drink, and smashing the glass – and –”

“You were spying on me? You were in the back yard?”

“I was in a car across the street most of the day, but I needed to piss and there wasn’t anywhere… And then you came home, and I saw you throw that glass, and I knew you wouldn’t do that if things were okay – if Marie was here.”

“What, you became a detective since I last saw you? Does it pay better than being a whore?”

Levi flinched. Erwin’s eyes widened in shock at his own viciousness. “God, Levi, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it. I –”

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have come… I should - I’ll go.” He turned towards the door. Erwin caught his arm. “No, Levi – please don’t go. I didn’t mean it.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s what I was. I don’t do that any more, so you know, but even if… Let go of me, Erwin.”

Erwin released Levi’s arm. “You were right about everything. I had come to – to care about you.”

Levi shook his head. “You loved me.”

Erwin sighed. “Yes.”

“But it wasn’t enough.”

“I thought it was wrong! I just wanted to be normal.”

Levi’s smile was very sad. “Yeah, I know. I get it. I understand why. But that’s… Maybe no one’s ‘normal’? Or maybe some people are and I’ve just never met any.”

Erwin grimaced. “Perhaps you’re right. I thought – I used to think Zackley was everything I wanted to be. And then… some of the things he was doing in that place - !”

“That’s… I’ve seen a lot of things... I reckon each to their own, as long as everyone’s onboard with it. With Zackley it was the above-board stuff was the problem - trying to cure something that wasn’t wrong by doing shit that _was_.”

“I don’t understand how you… I spent years at medical school, and I never saw the truth, but _you_ – How were you so sure, Levi? How did you _know_?”

“I never knew. And it’s not like I didn’t wonder, when Zackly first told me about it, if I ought to want to be ‘cured’. But I just went with my gut. If something feels wrong, it most likely _is_ wrong, that’s all.”

“I wish I’d been able to feel that, too.”

“You did. But you didn’t want it to be true.”

“Hm. Yes. Yes, you’re right about that, as well. I’ve been very stupid.”

“No. You were trying to be what you were raised to be. That’s not stupid. I never had anyone telling me how things were supposed to go. It left me kinda lost – but it meant I never had any particular path I had to try and follow.”

Erwin put his hand on Levi’s arm again, gently this time. “It’s so good to see you again! Won’t you come in properly? I’d like to talk to you – if you can forgive me.”

“Like you said, I was being paid. There’s nothing to for–”

“Yes, there is. The way I treated you – it was cruel. I focused entirely on what I thought I wanted. Please, don’t go.”

Levi only hesitated for a moment. “Okay. But not in the living room. I don’t wanna be avoiding broken glass, and I hate the smell of bourbon.”

Erwin laughed. “Kitchen okay? I remember how much you like tea.”

Levi nodded. “I doubt what you have will qualify as tea, but yeah – kitchen’s fine.”

 

Sitting at the Formica table, both hands holding his teacup, Levi looked around the kitchen, which was as bare of ornament as the hallway and the living room seemed to be.

“Marie left a while ago?” he asked.

“Yes. Officially she stayed here until the divorce came through for the sake of appearances, but she spent most of the time at Nile’s. We were very civilized about it all. I’d never told her I was homosexual, and she found her own solution to that with Nile, but we both – we like each other very much, in every other way.”

“ _Love_ ,” said Levi firmly. “You’re always avoiding that word.”

“Well, yes – I suppose we’ll always love each other, in a way. But not like –”

“Yeah?”

“Not like I think I could love - a man,” Erwin said.

Levi frowned into his tea.

There was a long silence.

“What about you, Levi?” Erwin asked. “Are you… Did things work out for you?”

“I guess… At least I have a job that won’t get me arrested. Share a house with a scientist called Hange… Messy as all fuck, but… kind. Yeah, kind.”

“And you – and he –”

“Not _he_.”

“Oh – so you’re not –”

“Hange isn’t he or she. But we’re not together. There was a guy – Farlan – for a while. He moved back to Australia. His sister’s there. Isabel.”

“Will you see him again?”

“No, I… It wasn’t serious.” Levi looked up at Erwin. “I get why you did it, but you were a fucking bastard – when you _knew_ how I -”

“I know. I know – I think about it all the time. I’m sorry. I know it’s too late, and it’s not enough, but I _am_ sorry. If I could go back…”

“Yeah… But – if the kid _had_ been yours? If Marie never found out?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t think… Even then, I don’t think I’d have been able to keep up the lie. And, anyway, Marie knew – she knew that there was something very wrong with that side of our marriage. I should never have married her.”

“No.”

“She’s happy with Nile.”

“That’s lucky.”

Erwin looked away. “I _know_ , Levi. I do know that. I could have ruined even more than I – You don’t have to tell me that.”

Levi looked towards the window, but it was dark outside and he only saw the kitchen reflected – Erwin across the table from him, his face turned away. “…Okay, then.”

“It’s not Marie I regret,” Erwin said. “Not for myself, I mean. I regret putting her through all of it, of course. But for myself, only one thing… - If I thought there was any chance…”

“What?” Levi demanded, turning to look at him. “ _What_ would you do?”

Erwin met his uncompromising stare. “Anything.”

The teacup rattled in the saucer as Levi set it down. “Anything,” he echoed. “You’d set up home with me? You’d introduce me as your lover to your friends and colleagues?”

“Well –”

“No. No – of course you wouldn’t. Because it would most likely mean the end of your career, and what you do is important.”

“But if you understand that –”

“So don’t say it! Don’t tell me you’d do _anything_! It’s just the same as when you told me you were going to make your life with Marie real, when it could never be real. Stop lying, Erwin! Tell me the truth. Is there any way this could work – in the real world, as it is now?”

Erwin hesitated. “I… don’t know.”

Levi nodded, once, his jaw set. “Yeah. That’s better.”

“But I want – more than anything - I’d like to try. I don’t know how it would work. I don’t even know if it could. It would have to stay secret – for now, at least. You couldn’t live here.”

“No, I know. Shag pile carpets and fake stone fireplaces aren’t really my scene anyway.”

Erwin managed a smile. “No.”

“I have a room – in Hange’s house, like I said. You can see me there. Hange’s cool. Talks nonstop about all kinds of shit, but completely discrete. We’re both activists, too, although I guess you couldn’t risk coming on marches…”

“Not at the moment. If the world changes… If we can change it…”

“Yeah. It’s not easy, but it is starting to happen... So… guess what I’m saying is, yes, Erwin. If you’re serious – if you really want to see if this could work –”

Erwin reached for Levi’s hand, across the table, and raised it to his lips. “I do. God, Levi, I do.”

Levi drew back his hand, glancing at the window, but he was smiling. “Careful. Never know who might see.”

“Don’t worry – I doubt very much that there’s anyone spying on us from the back yard. This is a respectable neighborhood.”

“Tch. We better get outta here then. I have to take Hange’s car back, anyway.”

“I’ll just pack a few things,” Erwin said, getting to his feet. Levi followed him into the hallway. “I’ll wait in the car. It’s weird – being in this house. I don’t belong here.”

Erwin’s answering smile was only a little sad. “Nor do I,” he said. “I suppose I never did, really.”

 

“Hi – I’m back! Thanks for the loan of the car,” Levi called as he opened the front door.

Hange ran down the stairs to meet him, brimming with undisguised curiosity. “Ooooh – you’ve been gone for ages! Did you see him? How did it – Oh!”   
“Hange, this is Erwin.”

Hange looked Erwin up and down without embarrassment and with obvious appreciation. “Of _course_ it is… Oh my God, Levi – you’re going to need a bigger bed!”

“Nice to meet you,” Erwin said, shaking Hange’s proffered hand, and pretending not to notice Levi’s swiftly reddening cheeks.

Muttering something about people minding their own goddamn business, Levi seized Erwin’s wrist and all but dragged him up the stairs. “Right about the bed, though,” he said, once the door was closed and bolted behind them. “It’s gonna be a squeeze.”

“That sounds fun,” Erwin replied, more relaxed than Levi had ever seen him.

Now they were finally alone, in a place with no unhappy memories, and free to do exactly as they wished, Levi felt suddenly nervous. Erwin sensed it, and came up to him, touching his cheek gently. “I missed you all the time,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Even when – when I was trying to change – I looked at the photos of you, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to see you again.”

“ _See_ me?” Levi asked, with the subtle, teasing intonation that sent Erwin’s blood rushing to his groin.

Erwin kissed him, and Levi felt free, for the first time, to return the kiss without any restraint. They undressed each other swiftly, but not frantically, reassured by familiarity, taking time to kiss and caress. Levi knelt to push down Erwin’s underwear and pressed his cheek against the warm hardness of his cock, turning his face into Erwin’s crotch, inhaling his scent. Erwin stroked Levi’s hair, releasing a long breath as Levi kissed the head of his cock, but when Levi took it into his mouth and started to suck, Erwin pulled back a little.

Levi let Erwin’s cock slide out of his mouth, and looked up at him. “Okay?”

“Yes. God – yes, Levi. But I’d like… All the times we were together, I guess I was lying to myself then, too – telling myself that if I was only taking, it didn’t really count. Would you let me – ?”

“Yeah? I mean, yeah, sure – fuck yeah! But you’re still gonna fuck me, right? ’Cause I’ve missed that so bad!”

Erwin smiled, kneeling to kiss him. “Yes, Levi. Anything you want.”

They moved to the bed, springs creaking alarmingly with their combined weight, and Erwin explored Levi’s body as he had never allowed himself to do before, doing the things he had once paid Levi to do to him, finding pleasure in making Levi feel good, taking Levi’s beautiful cock in his mouth at last.

They fucked – they made love – and for the first time, it was fully both.

 

Erwin had to leave before dawn so that he’d have time to go back to the house he had shared with Marie to shower and change before going to the hospital. He leaned over the bed to kiss Levi before he left. Levi grimaced, turning aside so that Erwin could only kiss his cheek.

“Morning breath.”

“No – I cleaned my teeth.”

Levi chuckled. “No – _mine_.” He ran his hand over Erwin’s face, blond stubble rough against his fingertips. Erwin turned his head to kiss Levi’s fingers. “I’ll be back tonight. Should be home before seven, if everything goes to plan.”

“Home?” Levi asked, teasing, something serious in his eyes nonetheless.

Erwin nodded. “If that’s okay?”

“Yeah,” Levi replied, aiming for casual until he remembered that he didn’t need to do that any more, and allowed himself to smile properly. “Yeah – that’s okay. That’s… good.”

“I’ll sort something out with Hange,” Erwin said, “- pay extra rent or something. Of course, I’ll have to spend time at the house, too, for the sake of appearances. At least in the short term.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Perhaps – one day – the world will have changed enough…”

There were things Levi could have said to that – important things, things that they would discuss in time, about the way the world would only change when people were brave enough to change it – but Erwin’s situation wasn’t his, and the memory of what Erwin had put himself through in pursuit of what he had tried to convince himself at the time was the right thing to do still gave Levi nightmares – so he only smiled, and touched Erwin’s cheek again gently, and said, “Yeah. One day.”

 

It was only after Erwin had gone that Levi realized he’d left his wallet on the nightstand. Worried that he might need it during the day, Levi opened it, looking for a business card that might have the hospital phone number on it. He didn’t find what he was looking for, but instead, tucked away in an otherwise empty slot, he discovered a photograph. It was small, black and white, just a contact print – but it was there, and had clearly been there for a long time _,_ carried secretly, but close. Levi took it out of the wallet and held it up to the window where the early morning light was beginning to brighten behind the blinds: a picture of himself, leaning against the railing of the bandstand in the park, smiling at the camera, and at Erwin behind it.

Slipping the picture back into place, Levi returned the wallet to the nightstand and went to shower before getting dressed for work, reasoning that Erwin would be able to borrow any money he needed from one of his friends at the hospital – friends Levi didn’t know, but might, possibly, meet one day. One day.

Glancing back at the too-small bed, with its rumpled sheets, Levi smiled. For now, this was happiness. This was enough. He’d go to work – the new job at Hange’s lab – and afterwards he’d maybe pick up some ingredients to cook dinner, although, he realized, he had no idea what Erwin’s favorite foods might be. Yeah. He’d cook dinner, and chat to Hange about the job and whatever was in the news, but all the time he’d be listening out for the doorbell, waiting for the moment, sometime after seven, when Erwin would come home.


End file.
